Unveiling?

So I suppose it is a little lame to have this perfectly good blog just sitting here not being read. Of course that makes me wonder, should I delete previous "crazy posts"? So that perhaps I don't seem so insane. Even as I read back through these posts I realize how quickly I change my mind about life and how quickly I can go from euphoric to bottom of the barrel.
But its me, it's always been me. Sometimes the down times are far and few between, sometimes they are one right after another. I don't know why, I feel like a well adjusted person, until I'm not. ha.

Anywho, life is plugging along splendidly. I am now 17+ weeks. I am scheduled for my ultrasound in two weeks, I am anxious. I am also waiting for my blood work to come back to find out if we are indeed expecting a little cutie with an extra chromosone. I am scared. I don't feel worthy of such a huge responsibility. I think Rob is completly overwhelmed. At the same time, we are a strong couple, I think we could do this.

Aleksia grows up more and more each day. Today she insisted on leading Cooper around and having him be her little sister. Complete with a dress and snow white shoes. haha Coop was so good and just followed her around and obeyed so well. They have a cute relationship, Coopy loves to harass her and be an absolute boy and she loves to dance and mommy him. I can't wait to introduce baby #3 into the mix. They are going to be so awesome, I just know it.

I think that I am being released from nursery this week, the bishop told me it will probably happen this week. WOW I feel relieved. It doesn't seem like nursery as a second calling would be that hard, but I am really really struggling in there. I so badly need adult interaction and some spiritual upliftment, and I am just not getting it at all from nursery. Don't get me wrong, I love those kids. wow, I love them. But I need a little break from that world. I look forward to sitting through sunday school. And hanging out with the 4 other ladies that are in Relief Society. Just for a while, just a little break.

I love the Gospel and I love that I can be forgiven for my many shortcomings. I wonder if there has ever been a mom that doesn't feel completly guilty for something all the time. I always feel like I could be doing more. And lately I really have needed to do more as a mom. My babies are just growing growing growing. ahhhh I just want to feel better and not be in such a crappy place of my pregnancy. I know it will get better, but its so hard to see the light when everyday is just more crappiness. I am pretty sure that on top of my crazy all day nausea, I now have a sinus infection. Its killing me.

We also have our cub scout belt loop rally this Saturday, and I am totally not even feeling it. I am sure that my whole committee thinks I am the biggest flake. Maybe I should finally spill the beans about being pregnant. Perhaps that would clear up some of why I am acting like such a crazy lady. Ahhhh, I feel like I could just do so much better if I could get a break from this sickness for just a little little while. ahhhhh.

ok I know this is long long long already, but Rob and I recently saw "Evan Almighty" which was ALOT better than I thought it would be, anywho. Morgan Freeman who plays God (yeah I duno either) was talking to the mom and she was so frustrated with her crazy hubby and he says to her. When you pray for your family to be closer, does God make you imediatly closer, or does he give you trials that will bring you together?

wow, that was profound and I really loved it. and totally can apply this to my life. who knew you could have your testimony strengthened by sitting in a movie theater? I loved it.

ok enough, more to come soon.

Life is Good

I think I probably sound like such a spaz. I am so up and down all the time. But, lately life has been good. Rob and I are taking care of one another a lot better than we have been and the kiddles continue to amaze me with their love and amusingness (is that a word?)

So I got called as the Cub Scout committee chair. I knew it was coming, but now that it is sinking in, I am kinda scared and I really just want to pretend like I don't have a huge calling. It should be good and all the people I work with are really great (used to be the Wolf leader) I only struggle with the Cub Master, but yeah I think we will be ok.

Still in nursery though, I am having a tough time with that one, just because I so want to be involved in the "big kids discussions" but I know I have more to learn before I will be released, so I better just buck up and be the best leader I can be.

So Rob and I went to our first dr appointment. Because I had had some bleeding the Doc sent me down to get an ultrasound done. It really made this pregnancy real, for about two days, and then life went back to normal. Besides of course the feeling of pukiness 24/7. I am excited to tell people, just because its been so long since we have had a wee little one in our home, but at the same time I want to keep this our little secret. We plan to tell everyone after we have had our ultrasound and know what we are having. We'll see if we make it that long

So everyone in our ward is moving and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with our neighborhood. It also feels like with everyone moving we are losing some essencial members of our ward. It will be interesting to see who moves in and how it will change the dynamics of our ward.

anywho perhaps I should make more of an effort to keep this updated.

out.

I have to let go

I think there are so many thoughts floating around in my mind, that I might break down. There are some thoughts that I know I can't do anything about and I just need to let go. I seriously feel like the advesary knows how to get to me and if I just let these random thoughts and meanderings of conciousness rule my life I will never progress, I will never focus on the important things in life.

It was just a couple of days ago that I felt on top of the world. So excited about spring and all its possibilities, and here I sit today, like a lump, just wanting something else to occupy my time with. I am being lazy, and so unconstructive. bleh, I have to let go of the garbage and embrace the good.

Today I am really thankful for my Husband.

New New New

So the beginning of spring makes me giddy with excitment. Never in my life have I remembered being so excited about spring. But this year its different. I have two beautiful bouncy children that love to run and be monkeys, I have a yard, my very own yard. Wow how did I even get this suburban, normal, happy life? I look forward to landscaping, digging, growing, weeding. I look forward to it because all of it benefits my family and our home that we are building together. I just love it.
I feel the winter blahs leaving. I spoke with my friend and we laughed about vitamin D and the effects the sun has on our bodies. I felt it the moment I left my house. I love knowing that its only going to get warmer and sunnier. I feel happy. I know that I cycle and I am sure it will get to the summer and I will be hating how hot it is, but I am not looking at that now. I love life right now.
I really want to be a better mom. I feel like I have left behind the notion that I really just need to be known as Heather as opposed to "mama" and I still have my days where I lose myself and wonder when all the cleaning stops. But then I remembered. Its when we lose ourselves in His serivce that we truly find ourselves. I know that my little ones only stay little for a while, and I am already missing the baby Coopy. He has been replaced with this toddler that is independent and smart and funny and I just love this stage of his life. But I crave a baby, a squishy floppy baby to hold and snuggle and nurture. I feel like we are ready. But I also feel as though we don't so much have a say with this one. I know the Lord is in control and I know we must learn patience.
I wonder if we truly will be blessed with the beautiful, angelic downs syndrome girl I saw while praying. Was it my own mind wanderings? was it divine revelation? I find that if I think about it I know the true answer, and it scares me a little. Are we the parents that can handle a child with special needs. Are we ready financially to take care of the costs that are involved? I don't know but I hope that if this is what we are dealt, that we can do as we need. I know we would be blessed, We always are.

so many more things to say now, but this post is already long enough.